I have begun my training at the Starkville Acadamy of Martial Arts (SAMA). I found the Acadamy while driving around downtown and was immediately attracted to the large black and white storefront sign, which featured a man in a white bathrobe and black belt flying through the air with one foot extended. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that, so I went inside.
It turns out that the martial arts instructor was a well-known and well-respected member of the international martial arts community, with over forty years of experience teaching Judo, Taekwando, Ju-Jitsu and probably a few other disciplines. Unfortunately, this gentleman retired after my first lesson, and the new instructor was a rather portly and bearded gentleman who went by the name of Luther Murrel. He has decided to take the class in a new direction. He spends the first half of class teaching the traditional grappling, throwing, kicking and punching moves, but during the second half he mixes in a lot of more highly applicaple, “real world” knowledge, which he calls “old fashioned butt-whuppin.”
So last week we spent a lot of time on pool cues. I have decided to share some of the knowledge here as it could save your life. If your adversary picks up a pool cue, no need to panic. Usually this attack can be neutralized fairly quickly with a few simple moves. First of all, if there are any balls left on the table, grab one and throw it. Go for the head, and put some muscle in it. Think major-league pitcher here. If no balls are left, the cue ball can usually be located in its little pocket on one end of the table. Keep the table between you and your adversary as you maneuver around to the pocket. If throwing the ball fails, pick up a pool cue yourself. Remember to hold the stick upside down. You are not going to use it to shoot pool, after all, but to crack heads, so you want the heavy end up.
The week before we practiced with beer bottles. Master Murrel emphasized that smashing the beer bottle on the edge of the bar so as to improvise a sort of cutting blade, while a dramatic gesture, is not very practical, and is really only done in movies. You stand a good chance of then holding the neck of a bottle that has disentegrated completely and is of no use in a fracas. The goal with the beer bottle is much like that of launching the billiard balls. You want to stop the attack with one good lick. Once you have come in to close contact, if the lick has not achieved results, discard the beer bottle immediately and rely on your traditional grappling and throwing moves.
Next week we are going out to the parking lot to work on various things you can do with a handful of gravel.
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4 comments:
A redneck friend of mine in high school once said, "You know, it only takes 8 pounds of pressure to rip someone's ear off." I asked him how these things were measured, and he said he didn't know, but, "It will sure as hell stop a fight when you hand that son-of-a-bitch his own ear."
This bit of advice was meant to encourage the scrawnier types who might find themselves up against a fearsome foe--or possibly ladies grappling in a back seat with some cad. I haven't had a chance to use it yet, but I've never forgotten.
Oh, he also said that if you punched a guy directly into his rib cage, his sternum would drop and slice his liver in two. This is a real high-octane tip--I almost feel worried about the fact that I'm leaving it out here in cyberspace, where any hoo-ha could get a hold of it and use it for something other than the powers of good.
Oh, as an epilogue, I heard years later that this kid did find himself in a fight in the parking lot of a bar called The Cameo Club. He didn't use either of the previously mentioned high-flying techniques, but he did end up shitting his pants (true story, I swear----)
I told Master Murrel about this and he turned it into a teaching moment. “Cameo Club,” he said to the class, “sounds pretty gay to me. I believe your friend may have been overwhelmed by the shock of unfamiliar surroundings. Know your environment. If you don’t like being around sissies, stay away from bars with names like “The Manhole,” “Daddy’s,” or “The Sausage Factory.” And never assume that sissies can’t fight. Let’s assume on the other hand that they have been fighting all their lives, ever since they started acting like sissies. Their combat methods can be unorthodox and still highly effective. And they will hold a grudge. When defeated, they come back later, in numbers. Best let them save face, that is, you back down and get the hell out of there.”
Another pearl of wisdom he dropped on me was, "There's no such thing as a fair fight." I suspect your sensei would agree with that one. His plan was to agree to a fight, then jump on the guy as he was taking off his coat.
It's kind of funny that I bothered to listen to all of this, as I think I could open up a good-sized can of ass-whoopin' if the need arose. Even if my foe got the best of me, I don't think I'd be reaching for ears or shitting my pants.
P.S. The Cameo Club closed.
all shitting aside, go for the ears, KG. It's easy, and if you don't actually remove the ear, whatever you do will be no doubt quite painful. But this is such an unpleasant topic. I still maintain that my sharp tongue and witty rejoinders will for the foreseeable future be adequate enough to extirpate me from just about any unpleasantness. That and running. Running as if the hounds of hell had beset ye.
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